Marriage, at the Front and Back of the Book Part 2

*See part one HERE*

     Marriage is about a bond. A self-strengthening and mutually self sacrificial system that leads to the ultimate betterment of both parties. Here we see the major flaw in most people's thinking about marriage: the point of your marriage is not that your spouse will fulfill all your desires or “needs.” We shouldn't even really be thinking of ourselves; the majority if not all of our thought should be on making the life of our spouse and our spouse themselves better. One of the biggest things a Christian will face when trying to live out a godly marriage is that we oppress women by saying they have to submit to their husbands. People never seem to read the part right after that, where men are called to love their lives like Christ.

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.”

(Ephesians 5:22-27)

     Yes women are called to submit to a fallible human man, but we men are called to live like Jesus! Which do you think is harder? Which do you think is more likely? Christ loves His church to the point where He left the glory of heaven and allowed himself to be brutally tortured and murdered, just to save us. Just to make a way for people who hate Him to live. And I get it, I do, you hate the idea of obeying. You hate that men have the “top spot.” Remember though, that having a position of leadership in the Bible does not make that person better than those who are lead. A wife who obeys her husband will give her husband less cause to fly off and try and control her through force and a husband who truly loves his wife will not seek to have dominion over her. I have the final say in my home but what that really means is that whether we find success or failure the buck stops with me. That is the weight of responsibility.

     These are all arguments that can be made and explanations that can be repeated and rejected as the case may be but really there is only one true reason for the attack on marriage. The real reason for the attack is because of the real meaning for marriage. Marriage is more than just two people chasing after happiness. It is more than a couple fulfilled by their union. It is more than two individuals drawing strength from each other to make it through tomorrow. Marriage -is- all these things but ultimately it is a picture. Marriage is a picture of God and His church. The family is a metaphor for eternity. Look again at the passage from Genesis 2. We see the man leave his family and join to his wife, the two forming “one flesh.” Flip to the other side of the Bible and we see Jesus leaving His Father in heaven and that the church is the joined into the body of Christ with Jesus as it's head. One flesh. The roles laid out for men and women are not their to set us against each other or to set one up against the other or higher than the other. We are here to show the world what God has done for His people.

     Marriage will always be under attack because it is a picture of God and man. In this one thing, this one amazing thing, God has set up a continually running example of His love for us. That image cannot be allowed to survive in a world that hates and rejects Him. That image has to die if this world wants to forget Him and ignore Him. Sure, there are cultural trappings and society has done great damage to the simple beauty of marriage. Sure we have made a hash of it in general and the record is not good. But these things are superficial, nothing more than dirt on the surface that can be easily looked past and cleaned away. You wouldn't throw away a diamond because of the stone that encases it would you? Just the same marriage is a scuffed gem that any one of us can clean and polish, leaving something of great and enduring value.

Marriage, at the Front and Back of the Book Part 1

*Sorry for the missed updates, today's post ended up being pretty long so I had to split it up over the weekend.  Come back on Monday for part 2!*

     Marriage is taking a lot of hits lately. Books and movies, magazines and television, blog posts and radio programs alike all seem to tearing down a once honored institution. Listen to the crowd and you'll hear how nearly every piece of this thing so many of us love is some hold over from a lesser time. I've heard it said that the wedding is nothing more than elaborate transfer of property, that the ring on her finger is a glittering brand that marks her as owned, that people can't honestly expect us to keep some silly vows, and a hundred other depressing critiques. The problem is hardly one sided but I see a common theme in that people look only at the cultural add-ons, the societal trappings that surround marriage. I don't know if anyone really talks about marriage itself anymore.

     People see marriages failing all around, they read the statistics they study marriages in cultures around the world. Its easy to see why so many fail to see the point in trying. The problem is that the statistics mean nothing and the numbers are just a blindfold so you don't have to look at your own short comings. Marriages only fail because those involved allowed them to do so. I've heard someone say that they can't honestly expect that they or their partner will fulfill each others needs in sixty years. I would ask why not? The point of the promise, it's power, comes not from the making of it but from the keeping of it. When I made my vows to my wife they were more than a hope, more than a dream, more than a maybe, I -vowed- to love, honor, and cherish as long as we both shall live. I'm not perfect. I'll screw up and fail a lot along the way but I will never give up and I will never let go. That is the point of a promise, it keeps even you in check.

“And the LORD God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.'.....Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. And Adam said: 'This is now bone of my bones And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.' Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”

(Genesis 2:18, 22-25)

     Before cultures existed and before a society was formed we had the first marriage. Man was created first and women mad from and for him. Not as plaything to enjoy, not as property to be coveted, and not as a servant to ordered about but as a companion. Adam wasn't presented with Eve because he needed something to make his life better, God gave them to each other because it was evident that it was not enough for man to exist alone! This truth is seen in the shadows of what we do today. Some say that when a father gives his daughter away that it is transfer of property. I say that it is a reflection of that first marriage, when God the Father gave His first daughter to her husband. In that moment God was giving Adam the responsibility of caring for His daughter, for His first ever little girl. It is not a transfer of property but of responsibility. And those rings that people complain about? Those pretty cattle brands as I've heard them called? Don't forget they exist on both hands! I am marked by mine as she is marked by hers and yes it is a sign of ownership and of belonging to another because we belong to each other and no one else.

“Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

(1 Corinthians 7:3-4)

To Marry or to Stand Alone

     Well, tomorrow is the big day, Valentines Day! A day of love and romance and other gooshy, lovey-dovey topics. You might expect another post about relationships and marriage and whatnot but no sir! Today we are going to discuss darn near the exact opposite, singleness. I know, I know, kind of a weird topic given the time of year but I think its rather appropriate, so lets go!

     Marriage is such an oft discussed topic that I think it overshadows singleness, and that's understandable. Marriage is the picture used to describe the relationship between Christ and the church. A proper respect of our marriages is vital to our lives and one of the backbones of the church. That being said, I think we get so focused on the importance of marriage that we think that everyone should be married and that singleness is a lesser state.

But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord; how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world; how he may please his wife.

(1 Corinthians 7:32-33)

But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am;

(1 Corinthians 7:8)

     Paul points out that although marriage is a good thing, it adds to you a whole host of concerns that you did not have before. A single man (or women) is free to live wholly for God, but the married must give of themselves to their spouse as well as to God. This is the critical factor, we have done so much to promote proper marriage that we have neglected to encourage people to see if God would have us get married at all! Not everyone wants to get married, and not everyone is “supposed” to get married.

     Those who remain single have the opportunity to use their time and their efforts more freely for the kingdom. Think about how much you could do without a spouse to care for, provide for, and protect; how much work could you do for the kingdom if you didn't have to raise your children? Now I am not by any means belittling marriage and family here. They are wonderful things and encouraged by God but our message seems to be all marriage all the time and that those not married should be preparing for marriage. We should be teaching our young men and women (and the old ones as well, frankly) to almost ignore marriage specifically and learn to live for God! If God has planned for you to marry than He will make it happen and you will be all the better prepared for it if you are focused on Him! We are God's first and our spouse's second, that has to be at the heart of marriage and our singleness.

     So don't feel bad this year if you don't have an “S.O.” to cuddle. God has a plan for you and that may include marriage and it may not. In either case you will most fulfilled when trust yourself to Him first. Remember to use the time and freedom you have as a single person to do what you can for God and His kingdom. Who knows, out in the mission field may just be where you find him/her anyway.

On Love

*Sorry about the lack of updates last week, had a project that required my time, but now we're back!*

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.”

(1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

     I'm going to be talking about marriage again today, it seems an appropriate topic given the soon to be arriving holiday. February is often seen a s “love month” so why not, right? I've learned some things to be sure but I have only been married for about a year and a half, so don't take this as the words of a master. That being said this is what I've seen and realized and learned after a year of marriage and a number of years in this relationship: love is magical, not magic.

     What I mean is that while love is an amazing thing that rocks the foundations of your world, its not what the world at large thinks it is. Love is not a single glance and a captured heart, it is not passion, it is not a need or desire or any feeling at all, love is not something that is outside your control (to an extent). We see it all the time, the story on the screen; two young people have a chance encounter and love explodes and they spend ninety to one hundred and twenty minutes stressing over it until they have a passionate kiss in the rain until the credits roll. It makes for a good popcorn selling flick but have you noticed that we never stick with them? We don't see their relationship a few days or weeks or years down the line. We don't see them realize that they have no shared interests, or that the guy is obsessed with his career or that she belittles things she doesn't personally like or understand. We don't see real people with the real personal issues that make relationships hard and love interesting.

     Love isn't a spark and an explosion, its a carefully built campfire. The wood and tinder and everything else need to be placed and maintained properly if they're going to burn for a long time. Long story short, love is a choice and a willful act not something that just 'happens' to you. That feeling you get when your heart is full and the world is a song? That's the result of love not love itself and in mistaking one for the other we've made a horrible mess. The love that is most true and stands the test is the love that is chosen once and every day.

     Men, this brings me to the real point I'd like to make today. We all need to understand that it is both easy and difficult to love our wives and girlfriends. We forget sometimes that its a daily effort to maintain a relationship, that its another full time job but one that is way more important than that which puts food on the table. Your love for her is hard in that your responsibility never lets up, never gives you a holiday, never really changes, and will never be fully understood. It's easy in that you don't have to move mountains to show her you care. Love is more often than not, I've found, to be a skyscraper built of Lego bricks; something great made out of a million small things. Write her little notes, buy her candy or a card for no reason, do the dang dishes without being asked! And above everything else, talk to each other! Ask her what makes her feel loved and do it! Love and marriage are exercises in self-sacrifice, you're supposed to be uncomfortable sometimes; remember that your perspective should be to make your spouse happy not vice-verse.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her”

(Ephesians 5:25)

To Be a Man

     It has occurred to many that the standard and accepted portrayal of men in our society is twofold: either as bumbling idiots, likable yes, but no one you'd want balancing your checkbook or running the house; or as selfish sex-craving misogynists who see women as objects or less. I for one have often railed as to the unfairness of these portrayals and how they do little more than foster the belief that this is all men have to offer. Worse still are those who see the undervaluing of men in our culture and simply don't bother to be more. Biblicaly speaking men are called to be more than this. We are to be leaders, teachers, guides, protectors, guards, lovers, and more. Despite this high calling for men we see very little of it in our world. I've pondered this problem for some time and although there are many reasons why things have turned out this way I'm left with only one conclusion: Men are portrayed as idiots because men -on the whole- are.

     It is not however, an entirely conscious choice. Part of the effect of the fall was to have men become lazy and women developing the desire to take their place. This wouldn't seem like a huge problem if it weren't for the fact that these desire did not replace the knowledge of our proper positions. Due to our fallen nature men don't want to lead, we'd rather take it easy. Many women would rather make all the decisions (because men are pretty dumb, right?) but still think that men “should” be commanding and in charge and confident. This creates a viscous cycle of anger and resentment that destroys many homes.

     Looking outside the home and into society we see that it is not simply a relationship issue. Men everywhere are deliberately casting aside “manhood,” choosing instead to adopt more 'modern' ideas of gender roles. Traditional “manliness” has been nearly vilified by our culture as chauvinistic and elitist, even so far to make chivalry a form of demeaning behavior! All this is a problem but the biggest issue really is that many men simply never become men at all. We live in a world where adolescence simply continues on through a boys life, he never grows up and he never moves on from childhood. How many “young men” do you know -guys in their mid to late twenties- who have never had a long term relationship, have never given a single thought to marriage, who still live at home, or who don't put any effort into creating a substantial foundation to their life? This is a systemic problem, to such an extent that we don't even see the issue. In my own life I can perceive parts of my thoughts and behaviors that I know should probably be...more that they are. Of course there are extenuating circumstances and not every case is the same but people these days seem to be terrified of really growing up and cling to youth as long as they can.

     I'm not going to give you solutions, I don't really have them. This is a thing that must start at home; husbands and fathers taking their place and doing things right. They will influence their children and so on down the line. Men were meant to be the cornerstone, the strength in society that held firm against error and stood up to the problems around them. We've lost that today and I think we're suffering for it.

“Be watchful. Stand fast in the faith. Act like men. Be strong. Let all you do be done in love.”

(1 Corinthians 16:13-14)

Reflections On Waiting

     I have now been married for more than one year. It almost feels odd to say that, almost like it's not the reality I wake to. I've always wanted to get married, since my earliest memories. I remember feeling so depressed and lost as an even younger man because I saw no hope for this future. I would beg God to let me meet my one and only, to show me the way to the love I longed for. He always seemed so silent at those times. Looking back I see that God wasn't silent, He was quietly telling me “wait, wait, wait.” I can see now that it wasn't time yet, I wasn't ready and His plans hadn't come to fruition; but He did have a plan. I'm glad He made me wait. He had someone that He was preparing for me just as He was preparing me for her. Had my desire been answered I would have been with less than His best for me.

     I see this all the time in my life and in the lives of others. We want what we want and we want it now. It's not even just about greed or a lack of patience, I think we simply lack the ability to see or perhaps just ignore the possibility that getting something later can be better. We are convinced that we should have what we want or need at this moment and that any delay is damaging to us. Further, we tend to think of delays as punitive. I would have such and such thing or relationship if only I were a better Christian or read my Bible more or if I were more in line with His will for my life. So often we fail to see that maybe, just maybe, it is simply just not the time or the place for us to have something we desire.

     God often asks us to wait. In fact I think that through waiting we learn most of life's lessons. We learn patience and trust and contentedness and humility through waiting; and we often find other seemingly unrelated lessons being taught while we are waiting for something else to come about. Ultimately we all need to learn to just trust God. He will by no means turn us aside nor neglect our needs. God desires our ultimate good and He will achieve that by the best means and in the best time. Furthermore, as our heavenly Father He desires to give us good gifts. Just as our earthly fathers -if they are good- delight in giving things to their children so God has joy in bringing us joy in the things He gives.

"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. "For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. "If a son asks for bread from any father among you, will he give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent instead of a fish? "Or if he asks for an egg, will he offer him a scorpion? "If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him!"

(Luke 11:9-13)

     We need to get away from the now mentality. Everything will come in God's time and if in His wisdom it does not come to us then we need to trust His choice. That new job or that girl or that guy may be the worst thing for us or the worst thing for us now, though we may find joy in them. Trust and obey for theirs no other way to be happy in Jesus. His will will bring all good things in time.

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”

(Matthew 6:33)

Battling Decoys

     My word do we love a good cause to rally behind! Every day there's some new atrocity to stand against or some new social initiative to support or some unknown injustice to raise awareness of. Social media lights up like a Christmas tree every time one of these things starts making the rounds on the internet. Nearly everyone it seems, likes to jump on the bandwagon of the newest bit of internet activism and we're no different as Christians.

     Let's take homosexual marriage as an example. Many evangelicals today are caught up in the fight to 'preserve' traditional marriage. They rally in town squares, they post long speeches online, they wear cute t-shirts and buttons, and they talk. They talk a lot. Many people also take this issue and just go crazy! They start spewing out hateful language and setting up their opponents as evil tyrannical conspirators out to destroy everything we hold dear. Because that's probably what's happening...sure. (Please visualize a sarcastic, dead-pan face while reading that last sentence.) When did the Christian life become about blasting other people and setting ourselves up as some kind of perfect, holy beings?

     Lets just say this right off, homosexuality is just not Biblicaly supported. We have plenty of verses against it. That being said, we have plenty of verses telling us to love our enemies, to spread the gospel (which in case you missed it, is the GOOD news), and to be humble. We have a whole lot of instruction to go forth and tell people about God and we have pretty much none at all about decrying social evils. Why is that? Well because as a Christian we are supposed to understand that the world apart from God -is- evil. We can't expect evil people and evil institutions to understand and desire good things. What we end up doing is raising our weapons and spending our energy fighting decoys and battling dummies.

     Immorality isn't the issue, homosexuality isn't the issue, homosexual marriage isn't the issue, the breakdown of the family unit isn't the issue; SIN is the issue! We live in a fallen broken world and no matter how much we rattle and rail against these social and societal wrongs they will remain unchanged so long as the people remain unchanged! We don't need to see congress enact laws protecting 'traditional' marriage, we need to see human hearts and souls saved for Christ! And yes, we need to stand up for the Kingdom and defend life as God see's it, but our primary concern is the salvation of the lost. All these other issues will dissolve and fade away when people are brought to repentance. Christianity was never about forcing change on the world but about God changing the people -of- the world.

Is It Worth It?

     I'm coming very close now to the end of my first full year of marriage. We have our plans and are suitably excited and I thank God for this tremendous blessing. As I believe I've mentioned before, I've always wanted to get married.  Now that I'm here I can say that it is indeed better than I thought it would be but also different than I thought. In my previous post “The Amazing and Wonderful Normal”  I talked about the surprising 'normal-ness' of marriage. How everything becomes just another day, and yet more than that.

     Here is where we get to today's point. Some time ago while talking about marriage, I had a friend ask me “Is it worth it?” I nodded and said yes at the time but as I thought about that seemingly simple question I could not help but think of the meaning it might have possessed. Was it meant as more than a trite question that everyone asks but doesn't really think about, sort of like “how ya doin'?” I've had some time to ponder and here are my thoughts.

     On the surface of that question it has to be said that yes, yes it is worth it. Whatever “it” is, marriage's worth surpasses. Whether time spent waiting, the resources used, the effort involved, all of it is worth the result. There are times when, during dating, it may seem like a whole lot of trouble and it would make sense to question the worth of all this hard slogging work. Believe me, if you're doing your dating right there will be times when it is work indeed. The interesting thing is that you can never understand just how worth it it is until you've been married for a while, like how we cannot understand the Word of God as we do until we are saved.

     Beyond that though, I couldn't shake the feeling that behind that question was another question, “Is it worth waiting physically?” This question presents a problems for me as I want to simply answer yes, it is worth it! That however, is hardly the point is it? Our bodies desire that physical closeness and they desire the culmination of that relationship; but we are commanded to be masters of our desires, to lay them at the feet of Christ as our Lord! So whether or not it's 'worth it' to wait, we are to be obedient to God and reserve ourselves to the one to whom we become 'one flesh.' This is what is truly worth it, obedience and submission to God. Not merely God as Savior but God as King of our lives. As David was king in Jerusalem so should Jesus be King in our Hearts, the master of His domain with the final say in all things. We as Christians do not have the right to weigh the odds and compare lists of pros and cons. We listen, we read, we learn, and we obey. That may seem harsh or rigid or even insipid but that is where we will find real meaning. Our worth was only ever to be in our relationship with God and it is only there we will find meaning today! Besides the pragmatic benefit or emotional worth of being able to give all of yourself to your spouse with no one else to lay any claim to you, it is simply of far greater benefit to obey the one who is Lord over all.

     Don't fall into the trap of trying to decide as if you had any power to make a choice. We know what God wants of us and that is all we need. The Christian life is not hard because we have so many choices to make, it is hard because those choices are already made for us and those choices go against the flow of the world. The choice you do have, the only choice, is whether or not you will obey the God who made you, bought you, saved you, and adopted you. The God who loves you. 

Is it worth it?  Yes.  Yes it is.

The Madness of Methods

     We love a process don't we? Everyone has a twelve step program or three simple rules or five things you should know or whatever. People everywhere are constantly on the look out for the rules to follow to make their lives better. There is a problem with that though, namely that the Christian life isn't usually about following a process or sticking to a strict set of guidelines. There are rules of course and there are guidelines but the Bible actually gives us a tremendous amount of freedom in our daily lives.

     I've seen a few blog posts and articles both from Christians and non-Christians that lay the blame for bad things at the feet of some statue or ideology. One writer blames their youth for their failed marriage another blames the path they took to get there and others simply give up and say that the divorce rate is just the modern way. Well to be honest everybody is wrong. Not literally everybody of course but the point I want to make is that we love the process and the system because not only does it give us something to follow (we are sheep as you know - Isaiah 53:6) but it gives us something to blame when we screw things up. 

     For example, I read an article (http://www.thomasumstattd.com/2014/08/courtship-fundamentally-flawed/) where the author makes the case that the somewhat recent “courtship” movement is, as they put it, 'fundamentally flawed.' Now the author makes some good point and some not so good points but the thing I disagree with the most is that 'courtship' is blamed for the failed marriages that resulted in the lives of the people they knew and in the lives of others. I'm certain it contributed since what the author describes has some serious flaws but the reason those marriages fail -why any marriage fails- is because people allow it to. There are, of course, contributing factors but eventually the choice is made to end it. If we then narrow the field to marriages comprised only of two faithful Christians...what are you doing? Who told you to give up? Who told you that you could walk away? Does not the Bible tell us to make your yes 'yes' and your no 'no'? You vowed before God and man, you made a covenant, once you're in -you're in- and it doesn't matter what path you took to get to that vow or what your family was like before then or what baggage you bring to the party! The process isn't to blame, the steps aren't to blame, the rules aren't to blame, you are.

     We bring this desire for steps and rules into our general Christian walk as well. How many times have you lamented your lack of growth because you 'didn't know what to do?' What do you need to know? The process of sanctification is basically God changing you and you working with Him. It's somewhat straight forward, you pray and ask God to point out the things you should work on and then you read what His Word says you should work on and how you should be according to God and then you work on those issues! Excuse the wonky sentence but God has said that the Scriptures contain what is necessary for life and doctrine, why do we keep looking elsewhere for instruction? We aren't expected to perfectly understand everything, that's why we look for good teachers, but we needn't spend our lives trying to find the secret to growing in grace; read the Bible! It doesn't matter what devotional book you follow or whose teaching you study or what treatise you read if you're not reading God's Word and spending time in prayer.

"And keep the charge of the LORD your God: to walk in His ways, to keep His statutes, His commandments, His judgments, and His testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn”

(1 Kings 2:3)

“The law of the LORD is perfect, converting the soul; The testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple; The statutes of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes; The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; The judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, Yea, than much fine gold; Sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them Your servant is warned, And in keeping them there is great reward. Who can understand his errors? Cleanse me from secret faults. Keep back Your servant also from presumptuous sins; Let them not have dominion over me. Then I shall be blameless, And I shall be innocent of great transgression. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer.”

(Psalms 19:7-14)

     Remember that we are not ruled by procedures, we are not enslaved to steps, we are not chained by guidelines, and when you mess things up it's because of the choices you made not necessarily because you didn't have the right instructions. We lose a great deal of understanding when we try and pass the buck or lay the blame outside ourselves and our sin, and that can actually lead us farther from the truth than we were to start. Read God's Word, seek wisdom and understanding and discernment and you'll be equipped to make the right decisions apart from any program.

"Rape Culture"

     There seems to be quite a bit of talk lately about so-called “rape culture” in the world. People of every theological, spiritual, and intellectual stripe are throwing around all kinds of explanations for this heinous act of violence. More often than not however, it comes down to the blame game. Some people blame women for “putting themselves on display” or “being where they shouldn't be.” Others blame men for thinking sex is due them or looking down on women or not listening when she says no. The problem with any one step explanation is the fact that this issue is more complex than that. Every situation is different and every rape has its own causes and its own victims. I will say this; ultimately 'rape culture' is a necessary result of a 'sex culture.'

     Put down your pitchforks please and let me explain that statement. The camp that blames men generally tries to do two things: point out the wrong mindset and behavior of offending males, and make all non-offending males appear to part of the problem simply because of their gender. The camp that blames women tries to make men out to be some sort of automatic machines that can do nothing more than react to stimuli; thus a scantily clad women creates sexual desire which the man has no choice but to act upon. Both camps are wrong not because they are inherently wrong but because the problem is both more complex and more simple than they would claim. Men are to blame because they are the perpetrators (most of the time). Many men do in fact have a horribly skewed view of women and that viewpoint plays out in their lives. Women are not to blame but are not without responsibility either, you cannot have your social cake and eat it too in this case. You cannot flaunt your sexuality and expect no one to notice, you cannot go home with a man you only met that night in a dark bar and simply expect perfect safety. The rapist is still the only one to blame, and in many if not most instances the woman involved did nothing wrong or unwise; but not always. Like I said, ultimately you really can't blame the victim in this kind of thing, the blame simply can't go in that direction, but the responsibility gets on all of us. The real cause behind a “rape culture” where women are afraid and every man is seen as a potential attacker, is sin.

“...although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Professing to be wise, they became fools, and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man; and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things. Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.”

(Romans 1:21-32)

     Part of the world's fallen state is the idea that we can rightfully engage in sexual activity outside of the confines of marriage, outside of the limits that God has put in place. We want the reward without the risk, the pay check without the work, the benefits without the responsibility. You see it everywhere in movies and music and books and TV and in the minds of the people you know, sex is a natural part of a romantic relationship. Even that definition doesn't work today as many people see it as just a recreational activity at best that requires no special relationship between the individuals involved. Sex was meant to be a benefit to marriage and a means by which a husband and wife bonded even more closely. Taking it from the marriage bed and putting on public display has destroyed what it was meant for and opened the gates for a host of issues that we now have to deal with as a society.

     When you have a population of people with no set moral compass, a people who believe that sex is something with no boundaries, no rules, and without even a final definition, you will have those who choose to simply take what they want. Rape is a horrible vivid picture of a very simple problem. Humanity is fallen and wants to remain as such. Ultimately the reason that some people are raped is the same reason someone steals or murders or cheats-they want it. They want it and they don't give a second thought to the idea that taking it might be wrong. The thief takes what they want, the cheat says what they want, the murderer takes the life they want, and all because of pride and sin.

     Women should not have to think of every man as a potential attacker because male society should be on the look out to protect those (of any gender) that are weaker than themselves. Men shouldn't have to walk on egg shells trying to appear safe and non-threatening at all times and in all ways; we cannot sustain that kind of life. Sin destroys what it touches, branching out and infecting everything connected to it. Our explanations will always fall short if they fail to address the simple obvious fact that humanity is desperately in need of a Savior.

**Note**

     For those of you who may disregard my thoughts because of my gender, after all what can a man say about this, know that I have a source for my perspectives. Someone who taught me what I believe and who has a very real understanding of it. Someone who shall go unnamed here but has every right to talk about it.

The Importance of Knowledge in a World That Knows So Much

     I see a lot of articles and blog posts lately from so-called “ex-Christians” denouncing the horrible things taught in the Bible. The authors of these articles range from sexually repressed young women to domineering men to battered house wives and more. We hear over and over again the preaching of people now free from the grip of their families and churches who tell us that all of this religion stuff is so very very wrong. We hear all the stories of patriarchal worlds where men rule and can do what they want, where women are held to ludicrously high standards and men are free, where the church authority dictates our life, and where the Bible is used to back all of this up and push everyone down. I hear all of this, and it saddens me.

     To all the people beat down by religion, to everyone who's life has been crushed and manipulated by a tyrant wielding scripture, I am sorry. Sorry that you may never know the truth of God because these people have so warped your view of Him. Sorry that so many of you never thought to really read that Bible that was shoved in your face and see that they were wrong! There is so much sin in this world and so much hurt and so much wrong and none of it is worse than the pain caused by false teaching and warped ideology. The most horrible mask that the devil can wear is the one that smiles and looks like god. I pray that you would realized that just because someone says something is Biblical doesn't mean that it is. That merely quoting scripture doesn't mean you understand it. I hope you see that just being in authority doesn't mean you're always right. I pray that you can see past the false god shown to you and see the real Jesus.

     I pray for those tyrants too. Those people that we all love to hate, God simply loves. He's angry with them and they are headed for an eternity in hell, but He loves them. Those people who are leading so many astray and whose actions keep so many from God are themselves lost and astray. The father who dominates his family is not only missing out on God but he's missing out on his family. He is not loving his wife as he should for the Bible tells men in Ephesians 5:26 to love their wives as Christ loved the church. What does that mean? Jesus left the glory of heaven, he left that perfect place to come here, and live a life where so many despised Him, and then He died. He gave up His life unto torture and murder, for us. That's how Christ loved the church. He didn't just die for it, He lived every day for it. That man is missing out on his children. The Bible tells us in Ephesians: “fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” Not only are you domineering fathers not training your children properly when you present a false God and wrong understanding, you are instilling wrath and anger and bitterness in them.

     We as Christians need to know Gods Word so that when we see these things, when we hear people talk about their horrible lives in the world of 'christianity', we can respond with the truth. We can show them that yes, what they went through was wrong and the Bible says so! We need to be ready to defend the faith, not because God needs our help but because what people think they know informs their actions and if all of their facts are lies how will they make the right choices? Why would that young girl give herself to God if all she's ever heard is that God wants her to be pure so she can be the property of some man who doesn't have to meet the same standard? Why would that man seek to love his wife and be worthy of her when she's only property or a source of 'satisfaction'? How will the world see the goodness of God if it's hidden behind the evils of men? The world thinks that it knows so much. Most of us run around with a head full of headlines and blog titles and pithy quotes that we think are true but couldn't be farther from it! You can do better than that Christian, you have to. For the sake of those that don't want to listen to you, be sure you speak the truth.

“But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear;” (1 Peter 3:15)

The Amazing and Wonderful Normal

     So you found a girl (or guy depending on who is reading this) and fell in love and all that jazz and now you're getting married. Yay! Let me tell you something I've discovered as a newly married man. Something I suspect most people don't talk about much. Married life is way more normal than you expect. I mean it, life goes from strange and new and exciting to normal in about three maybe four days. Don't get me wrong you'll have those shock moments when your brain suddenly realizes that you're living with another person and all that forbidden stuff is okay now, but for the most part life gets really normal really quickly. Your new life with your spouse very quickly becomes what's normal for you and let me tell you, it is amazing!

~From our first married Valentine's day. I hung it over my desk!~

     I don't in any way mean that by being normal life is boring, far from it. I've been married for nearly a year now and every single day is wonderful. No matter how exhausting work has been, or how much crap I'm dealing with, or how depressed I feel about my spiritual progress, I still come home to her. I cannot begin to describe how amazing that is. I've never been a terribly social person and having really close friends is not something I've had a huge amount of success at. Yet there is someone who looks forward to seeing me again, who misses me and whom I miss, after less than a day apart. There is so much meaning in just sitting on the couch and watching television (turning your wife into a fellow Whovian is quite fun!) that I can't even explain why it's more than that.

     Society is so obsessed with the new and exciting, the passionate and the intense, that we lose sight of the smaller better picture. Your love will transition from something strange, unknown, and even confusing into something familiar, and safe, and fantastic. Excitement doesn't die, and passion doesn't wane but that newness does. It steps aside and gives place to something infinitely better than excitement. Belonging. You belong together and to each other. 

     Again, I cannot begin to explain what that means to me. I've never belonged anywhere outside my family. I am not naturally someone who relies on or opens my heart to people. I didn't have many friends when I was young and as a consequence I tend to keep most people at arms reach because it's just so much work to make real relationships and you never can tell what people really think about you. In the back of my mind there's the very real suspicion that many of the people I know don't really think very much of me at all. Now I push that aside because I know it's baseless and just my conditioned brain being paranoid, but it's different with her. She chose me. She said yes, she said I do. She loves me. All my life I wondered if I would ever find a place where I belonged and I never really imagined it would be by someone's side. I could go on and talk about this more but really you'll just have to trust me. Work on your love and your marriage, never let it get pushed aside and you'll see what I mean. Love is best not when it's new and strange, but when it's home.

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing,

And obtains favor from the Lord.”

Proverbs 18:22